fabulously foul

i think it's time to express my profound appreciation for the food network behemoth that is paula deen. for the uninitiated (all five of you), paula is the saucy, southern, probably-drunk host of "paula's home cooking" on our favorite basic-cable channel. and boy, are her creations revolting.

occasionally, i will look at something she's made and find myself improbably drawn to it, in that comfort-food, yucky-but-still-really-good kind of way (e.g., three cheese hot artichoke dip). but most of the time, that shizz is straight up icky. i mean, this is a woman who unironically prepared (and, presumably, served, to some unsuspecting human) cracker salad (fyi: if the name doesn't get you all revved up, just have a look at the picture. who doesn't want to eat something that looks like a pile of vomit on a lettuce leaf? it's vegetables, people. think of your health).

but perhaps paula's crowning moment - so far, that is, as she is really just getting started - was when she took a hunk of macaroni and cheese (admittedly, one of my favorite indulgences), decided it wasn't quite cholesterol-y enough, wrapped it in a strip of bacon, and deep fried the sucker. that, my babies, is high cuisine. if deep-fried, bacon-wrapped mac and cheese isn't enough to get your heart palpitating, i don't know what will. perhaps some butt roast?

as i said, paula is really just getting started. but eventually, we will have to come to terms with her aging, probably pickled liver drawing her away from the heavy workload she currently seems to juggle with such grace. never fear! she is already training her hunky sons, bobby and jamie, to run the family business. along with frequent appearances on both of paula's shows (speaking of which, please do catch paula's party, wherein she cavorts for, and hilariously harasses, a live studio audience), they apparently have a show of their own, road tasted, that i have never seen. it's probably bad, but hopefully one of you will find out for sure and fill me in so that i never have to watch it myself.